


Rich Evans (Almost) Gets That Juicy Autocannon Meat

by SST_Laboratories



Category: Red Letter Media
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 06:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SST_Laboratories/pseuds/SST_Laboratories
Summary: I won't explain this. Ican,but I'm not going to.





	Rich Evans (Almost) Gets That Juicy Autocannon Meat

It was a brilliant day. The lawnmowers were whirring, the birds were fucking, and the sun was shining upon the suburban sprawl. Suddenly a giant robot popped out of the bushes and started rolling around in somebody's lawn. Bastion, our aforementioned mechanical friend, had absolutely no idea who the fuck was living here, or why they had such a nice lawn, but did any of this even matter? A giant robot can trespass to any extent, continuously, without punishment, and that is a _goddamn fact._ The universe is wildly forgiving when you're 7'3" and made of the sexiest, most advanced ballistic armors known to eukarya. Seriously who the fuck is gonna waste hundreds of thousands of dollars of weapons on you when you're just rolling around in dry grass and dogshit like a total jackass?

Bastion eventually got bored with tearing up the lawn, and so the droid meandered over to the brick patio, immediately crushing a few of the tiles and instantly pushing others into the mud with nothing but his extreme weight. (fuckin' metal fatass) Bastion then marched directly through the sliding glass door, shattering glass everywhere and knocking a plume of rubbled drywall onto the floor. Then he skipped into the kitchen and started trying to use the coffee maker but it was just one of those stupid weird-ass keurig or however-the-fuck-you-spell-it cup machines and all it did was piss Bastion off.

Then some old guy walked in the room. "Hey what the fuck are ya doing in mah house," said the nameless grandpa. (Seriously idk who the fuck this guy was he was just there)

"Beep boop," replied Bastion, in that stupid sexy wheezy robot voice. (gaaay)

The grandpa spilled his coffee. "Aw gawdammit."

Then some blonde lady came over to Bastion and tried to explain how to use the coffee machine but he wasn't having any of that shit and so he ran away.

Bastion started to frolic throughout the house, looking for valuables and small children. He broke a lot of walls, and he was sad; not because of the walls, but because there were no small children. Even if there were any small children, they probably wouldn't have any warhammer miniatures to steal. Boo hoo... But maybe they might've had legos instead. Legos would've been cool, especially since those motherfuckers cost more than drugs. Bastion didn't have money for drugs. Or legos. Then, he found a dog and started to pet it. Just as he contemplated whether or not he should attempt to ingest the dog, he teleported into the living room.

There was some weird guy sitting on the couch wearing a light olive-green shirt that had the word "ABORTIONS" printed on it in big, bold white letters. Bastion approached the man and poked him on the shoulder. In response, the man's hair disappeared.

"Oh god damn it there goes my hair again," said Rich.

Then some random blonde girl in the corner pointed at him. "Whoa what happened to your hair," said the girl.

"Happens all the fucking time..." mumbled Rich, apathetically. A rain cloud then appeared over his head, sprinkling fresh rainwater onto his scalp. Rich's hair suddenly grew back like a chia pet and he sighed.

Bastion mumbled and booped something nervously, something about liking the videos that Rich Evans was in, and how it was nice to meet him in person. Rich Evans shook his head. Then, Bastion asked Rich where he got his shirt.

"Have you seen _all_ of the Best of the Worst episodes?" asked Rich.

Bastion booped a disappointed "no" in response.

"Then fuck you I'm not telling you about the shirt," said Rich.

Obama floated out of the shadows and started clapping, slowly. "Good morning everyone," said Obama. "Would you like some coffee? or we can play Xbox."

"No," said Rich. "Not right now. I think I'm gonna show this robot guy my new warhammer figurines."

Rich Evans slowly lifted himself from the chair, sighing again. He started waddling down the hallway, and Bastion followed, gleefully. Maybe this home invasion wouldn't be so fruitless after all!

But there were no warhammer figures. Literally the only thing in the room was a reclining chair, and a window with broken blinds. Rich Evans sat down slowly and then he started drinking a coke from an official RLM pub glass.

"Why are you getting so close to me...?" asked Rich Evans. Bastion was approaching him now, alarmingly so.

"You lied," booped Bastion.

Rich was so scared that his hair disappeared again.

Then Bastion pinned Rich to the chair and started humping the fuck out of him. I mean not even bothering to take his pants down or anything, just violent, animalistic humping, straight out of the fucking blue. Coke spilled everywhere, soaring through the air and onto the carpet, and then Rich began to accept his sticky fate. He couldn't feel his legs anymore.

Obama was in the hallway watching. He sipped his coffee, as the world around them started looking more and more like Club Penguin.

"Why do you wheeze like a fucking giraffe," mumbled Rich, as his body devolved into mid 2000's flash graphics.

Bastion was then so fucking offended that he jumped out of the window. He flew off into a pitch-black void of oblivion, immediately beginning his eternal descent. Falling endlessly. Falling, _forever._ Surrounded only by the lack of surroundings. Occasionally, he would hear Obama clapping again.

Bastion thought about giraffes.


End file.
